It’s 2006, Welcome to our Blog.

Hi! It’s 2006 - a simpler time. Mischa Barton reigns supreme and we’ve decided it’s high-time we started blogging. (Not specifically about Mischa Barton. More business-adjacent stuff. But hey, let’s not limit ourselves this early in the game!)

Welcome!

Gee thanks! But why is this happening?

(You ask.)

Well, I’m not really sure... this is only the introduction, you see, and I’ve only just started writing it. So, how could I possibly know why I’m doing this and what it’s going to turn out to be? It’s like I’ve always said, time is linear and so is blogging - you start at the start and end at the end, and who knows what will happen in between!

Look, in my mind’s eye I’m picturing that this little journal will be like the online newsletter of the high-end British clothing brand, Toast. You know the one! It’s all:

• Recipes you’d definitely make if only you could manage to source that darn wild hare!

• Book reviews for enlightening things you’ll probably, no, definitely(!) read, just as soon as you finish watching the entire box-set of Mad Men for the 12th time. Because it sounds so interesting but, you know, now that you’ve read that review, you feel like you’re pretty across that issue, so probably, you don’t really even need to actually read it!

• And, of course, just a veritable FEAST of images of very beautiful people standing in linen dresses atop windswept British heaths... because you and I both know that, we too are capable of being beautiful, windswept, British people, but are probably just lacking that particular style of linen dress and a UK passport!

So yeah, this blog is probably either going to be just like that OR absolutely not like that at all and more like one of those typed up letters that used to arrive at Christmas (before the internet ruined everything) from that friend of yours who, for some unknown reason, moved away to far north Queensland with her husband and children. And it just summarises what they “achieved as a family” that year and you’d just have to stand in your kitchen, politely skim-reading all about little Jack’s triumphant day out at the Year 4 swimming carnival back in February! Wholesome!

Well, I bet you’re excited to read on now… to see if if this is going to turn out all dreamy and aspirational like Toast OR if it’s just a digital version of Sandra from Townsville’s “Happy Christmas 2003!” letter.

A clue:

One of those has things has a team of marketing professionals working on it. The other is Sandra sitting at her IBM getting letter writing help from a paper clip.

Heirloom doesn’t have a team of marketing professionals OR a paper clip.

Although, reading that back, a late third option could be, “Ramblings of a mad person! Just count how many unnecessary commas she’s used already! And what’s with all the underlining?!”

,,,

^ few more for you there. And the underlining is for emphasis, Dave.

God.

Wow this introduction has really gotten out of hand.

What I was trying to say is:

Welcome to Heirloom’s new blog!

I’m writing it because independent retail is tough in 2022, and I wanted a more authentic way to connect with my customers than the odd sarcastic Instagram post.

Now I have a whole sarcastic newsletter in which to be sarcastic.

I feel silly telling you that any of our products are going to change your life.

They aren’t.

If something’s not going right for you, I’m sorry to tell you that the finest Japanese mandolin isn’t going to fix it (unless it’s a purely vegetable-based issue). You’ll need to seek out a professional for help. However, if you do need the world’s finest Japanese mandolin, we can hook you up.

By now you’ll have realised that this is anti-marketing marketing.

I’m pairing it with our anti-business business model.

Don’t get swept away! We ARE trying to sell you things! But at the end of the day it’s important to us that Heirloom works hard to be both honest and playful with it’s customers about the products we sell - recognising our customer’s own intelligence and sense of self - rather than fear-mongering, hyperbolising or glamorising excessive consumption in order to make a cheeky buck. (That being said, our shop isn’t a government-funded museum, and I’m currently about $165,699,998,000 away from Bezos-esque world domination, so feel free to spend up big!)

Still confused? Yeah me too.

Let’s just start and see what happens.

If you’re already a customer - thanks!

If you’re yet to visit us, what are you waiting for? My joy-flight into space with a bunch of oligarchs isn’t going to pay for itself.

Yours sincerely,

J. Bezos Jr.